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1. David and Goliath

In this story, David kills Goliath with a stone and a sling. He then cuts off Goliath’s head with his own sword and parades the head around. Lovely!

2. Samson and Delilah

First, Samson kills 30 men for their belongings and clothes. He then captures 300 foxes and lights their tails on fire. After this he goes on to kill 1,000 men with the jawbone of an ass. And finally, he commits suicide and in the process kills 3,000 men and women. It should be noted that whenever he would kill, it is noted that “the Spirit of the Lord” came on him with power. At least now people only babble or laugh and flop around on the floor when “the Spirit of the Lord” comes on them. I did skip the sex and seduction part. I’m not sure the kids could handle that.

3. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego

These 3 were thrown into a fiery furnace to be burned to death. The fire was so hot that it killed the soldiers who threw them into the furnace. Of course, God spared the lives of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. By the way, these are the 3 coolest names in the Bible. Too bad more people don’t use them in naming their kids. We have too many Pauls, Peters, Daniels, Johns, etc. Think about how cool it would be to be named Abednego.

4. Noah and the Flood

In this story, God commits the genocides of all genocides. He wipes out all living creatures of the world with a flood (except Noah, his family, and 2 each of the millions of species on the earth). Wikipedia estimates the human population in the third millineum BCE to be around 30 million. Can you imagine the stench of the earth after the flood waters receded? In case you didn’t know, this is how the dinosaurs went extinct. They couldn’t fit into the Ark I guess.

5. Daniel in the Lion’s Den

Daniel is thrown into a den of lions to be eaten alive. After God saved him from the lions, the men who accused him, along with their wives and children were thrown in the den of lions who “overpowered them and crushed all their bones.” Poor kids. What did they do to deserve being eaten by lions?

6. Jonah and the Whale

Jonah gets swallowed by a big fish but survives for 3 days and 3 nights in its belly. This actually is one of the few stories that does not include violence. In fact, God is suddenly compassionate and does not destroy Nineveh as he promised to do, and Jonah gets “angry enough to die” because of this. What a guy!

7. Joshua and the Walls of Jericho

Here Joshua and his army marches around the city of Jericho and the walls fell. They then go into Jericho and commit genocide. They “destroyed with the sword every living thing in it—men and women, young and old, cattle, sheep and donkeys.” Did you know archeologists found the walls of Jericho?

8. Moses and the Red Sea

Moses parts the Red Sea and the Children of Israel safely crosses over. He then drowns Pharaoh and his entire army in the sea- which inspired a worship song. Anyone remember singing it? “I will sing unto the Lord for he has thriumphed gloriously, the horse and the rider thrown into the sea.” Wow, I almost want to get up and do the charismatic two-step now. Oh! Archeologists found this spot in the Red Sea also.

9. Lot’s Wife and the City of Sodom and Gomorrah

God reigns down fire and brimstone from heaven on the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah killing everyone there. Lot’s wife looks back at the destruction and dies by becoming a “pillar of salt” (which remained in place for a while so that others could walk by and remember Lot’s wife).

10. The Passion of Christ

No Top Ten would be complete without this story. Here Jesus is supposedly beaten beyond recognition, had a crown of thorns placed on his head, nailed to a cross, and pierced with a sword. Of course, this was necessary because this story is all about the blood.